Because it’s nearly October, yet the horizon is sparse.

1)    Feign disinterest in the Tour of Champions. Remember the awesome Magnificent 7 tour you attended as a ’tween, thinking, “Nothing will ever beat that.” (The real tour with all of the team members, not just six of them—because that reunion made a difference, man!) Tell yourself, like a true hipster, that the Mag 7 tour was LEGIT and these present-day shenanigans will just be fluff. So what if there will be shirtless men dancing? You need to stay loyal to your roots.

2)    Consider buying tickets anyway, even though you’ll be in the awkward age gap between a) screaming young girls and b) exhausted parents. Your friends don’t make eye contact when you ask if they want to join you. This may be a solo mission.

3)    Plan an Olympics-inspired Halloween costume that won’t involve a) freezing from exposure or b) uncomfortable looks from strangers. The Team USA trench coat might do it, with a dash of patriotic #hotpink. Make a note to search for neon green sneakers. In the meantime, perfect your look of Intense Concentration, coupled with Teary-Eyed Joy and Defeat as well as Hugging Your Friends with Cameras in Your Face. Mustafina’s eye makeup: also an option, and sure to make you a social media favorite.

4)    Channel your inner “Olympic team head coach” (though maybe not Alexandrov). “You’re in Level 5 now. The expectations are higher,” I tell the kids, imagining that we’re in a team-finals-huddle with one event to go. They giggle and shove each other in line. (I have a pipe dream that one day I’ll get a shout-out in one of their college entrance essays as the “inspirational life figure,” though it will probably be more like, “The time I forgot my beam routine and I stared at my coach, and she gestured at me wildly, so I just made stuff up.”)

5)    Refresh your favorite blogs in hopes that something, anything comes up. Much like alien life, there must be a gymnastics pulse out there somewhere, right? Right? Otherwise, what else are you supposed to do at your desk, watch old videos? Read old comment streams? Work? No, that simply will not do.

Article: Diana Gallagher

Other ‘Flipside’ columns by Diana Gallagher;

The Getting There- READ

Squad A- READ

If I Can Make One- READ

The Survivalist’s Guide to Compulsories- READ

Photo: Nadia Boyce

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